Friday, December 7, 2012

The Power of Flickr

So I thought I would hit the five pound milestone quickly, what with all my working out and eating healthy (haha)! But I haven't quite made it there. Am I really surprised? All I am really doing is making better food choices and drinking more water. But that's been the whole point all along, that I generally make good choices, so be more conscience and make even better choices and see where this takes us.

So where I am? I am three pound down and that has me under the 200 mark which I feel should be a celebration unto itself. Right?! 198 feels like a celebration to me.

And in celebrating I have been spending a bit of time searching for some gems on the Internet, gems that brighten my day and make me feel great about myself.

- this flickr set illustrates the silliness that is the BMI index, I've been periodically flipping through the images to remind myself that labels NEVER matter
- I created a Pinterest board celebrating everyone's gorgeousness
- and I happen to know, I would so rock this dress

I guess, I just want all of us to challenge the labels and stereotypes and know that we - at our most vulnerable - are enough. Writing is forcing me to reflect on the deep, dark nasties in my heart, those voices that most days I manage to ignore. I must say, this blog is helping me to do exactly what I was hoping to do, love myself better. Reading, sharing stories, sifting through body positive literature and websites is reminding me, in very visceral ways, that I AM RIGHT. Knowing who you are, filling your life with love and being kind to yourself are the best ways to keep yourself grounded and focused on what matters.

So if you do nothing else today, please, click on the link to the flickr set and prepare to be astounded by the images and remember don't let anyone else define you.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Doctor Dance

I feel like I am weaving my way through the maze on Labyrinth, I am Jennifer Connolly, outwitting the trolls, sailing through the riddles, all to find a baby that was HERS in the first place!


One would think that a doctor shouldn't be that difficult to come by, but alas, such is not the case in Canada.

I de-rostered from my awful family doctor this past August. I called Health Care Connect, informed them of my first three doctor choices (who are currently taking patients) and then I got rip roaring sick. Bronchitis that turned into walking pneumonia. For weeks all I had in me was blllaaaauuughhh!

So anyhow, I get worse, I annoy the poop out my husband with all the croup-like coughing. So in an attempt to follow-up with the status of my care, really so that I could get my greedy (or simply sickly) little hands on more antibiotics, I started the tango.

One of the three doctors I had connected with Health Care Connect about confirmed they would take me on, but interestingly hadn't seen my paperwork come through yet.

So back on the phone it was with the Health Care Connect office to see if they could expedite my papers seeing I was sick right then. The kind lady was a huge help and said yes, she could give me a hand, but now I would have to wait till the doctors office requested more paperwork on potential new patients!

Are you still following me?!?!


So what did it take to "maybe" have a doctor by the end of the year??

Lots of paperwork, multiple phone calls, harassing a kind but loving friend who had great advice into the profession and what it takes to get a new doctor in this country. And it's still three months later and I don't truly have an answer. Just a "we have your file and needs in hand and we hope to be able to get you connected to a health care professional appropriately and in a timely fashion".

So I have done the only sane thing a reasonable person in my situation would do. I have booked an appointment with a naturopathic doctor. The appointment is December 20, because that's how far out she's booking.

My gut tells me...I will not have heard anything from a medical doctor before then.

Monday, November 5, 2012

It's Been A Couple of Weeks....

I have lost a total of one pound.

We went on vacation in that time so I am - in many ways - quite pleased with the accomplishment of not gaining more weight, cause well, I am super duper skilled at that. I swear I gain weight by looking at a coffee, a carrot, a carrot cake. I doesn't seem to matter, if it's food, it add its few calories to my hips.

So no more waiting for five pounds to post new pictures, pictures get posted when and where I have an awesome outfit on, and a picture gets snapped that captures the essence of why I rocked that!

A few girlfriends and I attended a charity fashion show this past Friday. We got ready at my place with pink champagne, I pulled out the pink tights, we all looked smashing.

Photo credit: Crescendo Media.
My outfit credit: dress - Banana Republic, belt - Steve Madden, tights - Betsey Johnson, necklace - Sonya Roe

**thank you lovely ladies for a great night!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Not Quite Me

Every couple of years I imagine blond hair will change my perspective on life; that in an instant I will be more fun, more lively, more spontaneous. And the strange thing is, immediately following the drastic change, I do feel extra special. The reaction of friends, the perfect glance in the mirror, the glossy finish on the newly minted do trick me into believing the colour of my hair matters somewhere, to someone.

But it doesn't matter, and it's not me.

So eventually I always return to myself and stop hiding behind the borrowed blond shroud. And it always feels like a homecoming, which let's be honest, is one of the best feelings we ever have.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Hotness

On Monday I attended my first hot yoga class in 9 years. A couple days later and I am still trying to determine if the class was a mistake or not.

Emotional, tiring, HAWT! I spent half the class shaking in child's pose, excreting negative energy. And while I know that's likely what I needed in that moment (and also happens to be a very normal reaction to a yoga class in an emotional state of mind) I sorta feel like a university student recovering from the most ridiculous kegger, still off, wary of that beer, thinking maybe it's best to take a break, knowing you still want a another beer though, and soon.

It's Thursday and I am still trying to dissect what happened; trying to wrap my head around not being able to settle, feeling physically broken and overwhelmed.

It may sound silly, but I feel like I am recovering from an invisible wound with no instructions on what to do next. And I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this has been...

I know there's something physically; medically off with my body. Today, my body is screaming, louder than it ever has. I slept poorly, my hacking cough still lives here, EVERY joint aches, my feet are so sore I feel like I am waddling (wow, that's a sad picture). I have attempted to advocate for myself. I have challenged my doctor. I have de-rostered from my doctor. And am now left searching for some clarity on how to best move forward, trying to get medical attention somehow. Fingers crossed the doctor I am chasing calls me soon.

As for the yoga class, I've decided it was a good class. It's forced me to reflect seriously on the very real help I need.

Friday, September 28, 2012


My plan is to post a new outfit every five pounds lost. I promise that each one will be uniquely me.

The goal of these pictures, are partially an exploration in self-acceptance (me, trying to come to terms with the images on film); partially a pictorial celebration of women. Sooooooooooo many of us struggle with these same maniacal debates around self-worth, one day feeling perfect and beautiful, the next scarred and unlovable.

I am going to get healthy. Regardless of what I look like 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from now I hope these pictures make me feel good about who I am.

Me, 201 pounds, September 28 2012. credit goes to the husband.
...tunic - Le Chateau, tights - from Luxe in downtown Chatham, boots - an Old Navy find a couple seasons ago, necklace - a gift from a girlfriend

30 Pounds Ago

Being the product of wonderfully funny, feminist women - I made a decision - 30 pounds ago - to live a life unencumbered by weight and stereotypes. I made a decision to love myself the way I was, to wear that short skirt, that bikini proudly. 

And I did, and unreservedly, I say I rocked it. 

I have all always prided myself on being loud, confident, caring and articulate. No pre-conception of who I was supposed to be was going to hold me back. 

Nope - young man judging my fat ass, you don't get my time of day because I know I am beautiful and worthy of EVERYONE'S respect. Lovely older lady judging the length of my skirt, thinking to herself, that outfit is meant for someone slimmer. Once again, nope, not listening; cause I love me just the way I am. 

And then I saw that video and every ounce of love I had for myself vanished....(sad, but true).

Anyhow...point of today's blog post is to fill you in on the immediate next step.

I have a unique and quirky sense of style. I have curated a closet of items I love, that are form fitting, loud and very me. I have decided to document this journey through IPhone photos, the pictorial will be - me, in all my glory - wearing my favourite pieces. In posting and sharing these photos with you, I hope that I will start to see myself through a clearer lens, that I'll be able to make peace with me. 

...pic will be posted later today, maybe tomorrow morning....

Thursday, September 27, 2012

A Request

Two weeks ago I stepped on my ridiculously dusty scale and stared at the number on the display slack-jawed. I had never seen a number so high in my life. I was embarrassed to admit the number to even myself so I scrambled off the scale committed to making some healthier choices, committed to not seeing that number again. The last two weeks I have been getting more water into my system, making super healthy snack choices; simply, trying to make better decisions.

I am very lucky and I know it. I live a beautiful life. I wake up every morning to a supportive and loving husband who goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful. I was raised by determined, capable women who taught me to believe that who I am inside ALWAYS matters more than how I look. Anyhow, point is, as cheesy as this is about to sound...when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror...I see someone beautiful. And for that I am grateful.

This morning I saw myself on video.

I…didn’t…recognize…the…woman…on…the…screen. I watched it a couple of times hoping that I would come to some sense of contentedness with my appearance. It never came. I stepped on the scale to see if the choices I had been making had been working and low and behold, I had lost five pounds.

But the number staring back at me was still 201.

I’m a smart woman. I know 201 pounds on my frame is unhealthy. I am 5’6”. Have always been, as my Grandfather called me at age 12, big-boned. At my healthiest, which was 13 years ago, I weighed in at approximately 150 pounds. In all honesty 150 pounds is at the high end of the healthy range of my BMI.

All my life I have struggled with energy issues, asthma, chronic bronchitis, severe joint pain – I know, that when I am fitter, stronger, limber – the severity of these issues subside. Over the last two years I have seen an incredible increase in each and every one of the problems listed above. It’s September, I caught a cold but rather than shaking it like most healthy immune systems, it turned into a severe case of bronchitis. Three weeks later I am still hacking and wheezing.

I need to do something about this. Unless it’s Trivial Pursuit, I am not competitive in nature; so seemingly insurmountable tasks – in this case – learning to lose and keep off 50 pounds – scare the bejeezus out of me. So I am reaching out to each and every one of you for help. I know journeys, like the one I am committing myself to today, require support and belief and friends willing to pick you up and put you back on your path when you stumble. I spend a ton of time in my head naturally, so solitary workouts defeat me, running alone, working out at the gym, become frightening excursions because of what I’m left to think about. So I gravitate to team sports, supportive classes, friends to buddy up with, so I am not left to the crazy inner-workings of this scatterbrained mind.

So what I am asking you for, is to be that friend that helps point me in the right direction, ask me to join you at yoga class, keep me in mind for your hiking adventure. And if anyone were ever interested in teaching the wheezing, hacking asthmatic how to love running, I’d really love to learn.