Two weeks ago I stepped on my ridiculously dusty scale and stared at the number on the display slack-jawed. I had never seen a number so high in my life. I was embarrassed to admit the number to even myself so I scrambled off the scale committed to making some healthier choices, committed to not seeing that number again. The last two weeks I have been getting more water into my system, making super healthy snack choices; simply, trying to make better decisions.
I am very lucky and I know it. I live a beautiful life. I wake up every morning to a supportive and loving husband who goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful. I was raised by determined, capable women who taught me to believe that who I am inside ALWAYS matters more than how I look. Anyhow, point is, as cheesy as this is about to sound...when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror...I see someone beautiful. And for that I am grateful.
This morning I saw myself on video.
I…didn’t…recognize…the…woman…on…the…screen. I watched it a couple of times hoping that I would come to some sense of contentedness with my appearance. It never came. I stepped on the scale to see if the choices I had been making had been working and low and behold, I had lost five pounds.
But the number staring back at me was still 201.
I’m a smart woman. I know 201 pounds on my frame is unhealthy. I am 5’6”. Have always been, as my Grandfather called me at age 12, big-boned. At my healthiest, which was 13 years ago, I weighed in at approximately 150 pounds. In all honesty 150 pounds is at the high end of the healthy range of my BMI.
All my life I have struggled with energy issues, asthma, chronic bronchitis, severe joint pain – I know, that when I am fitter, stronger, limber – the severity of these issues subside. Over the last two years I have seen an incredible increase in each and every one of the problems listed above. It’s September, I caught a cold but rather than shaking it like most healthy immune systems, it turned into a severe case of bronchitis. Three weeks later I am still hacking and wheezing.
I need to do something about this. Unless it’s Trivial Pursuit, I am not competitive in nature; so seemingly insurmountable tasks – in this case – learning to lose and keep off 50 pounds – scare the bejeezus out of me. So I am reaching out to each and every one of you for help. I know journeys, like the one I am committing myself to today, require support and belief and friends willing to pick you up and put you back on your path when you stumble. I spend a ton of time in my head naturally, so solitary workouts defeat me, running alone, working out at the gym, become frightening excursions because of what I’m left to think about. So I gravitate to team sports, supportive classes, friends to buddy up with, so I am not left to the crazy inner-workings of this scatterbrained mind.
So what I am asking you for, is to be that friend that helps point me in the right direction, ask me to join you at yoga class, keep me in mind for your hiking adventure. And if anyone were ever interested in teaching the wheezing, hacking asthmatic how to love running, I’d really love to learn.
2 comments:
Kate: I read this post and felt the need to comment. It will be up to you to decide if you number me as one of your cheerleaders.
Do yourself a favour. Forget the number. Forget the shock of seeing yourself on video. The issue isn't either of those things. As you so eloquently put it, the people that matter know you are beautiful and that's the most important. From what you have said, this is not about weight. It's about health. So do what makes you feel healthy. If you set some goal based on a number, you measure yourself against it and judge yourself (as we all do) too harshly. Instead, I would encourage you to wake up every day and ask yourself "What can I do to make me feel healthier today? I think it is courageous to open up like this, and I am sure you will be successful. You are already beautiful. Your goal is yo be healthy too.
Mike Pitre (padre)
Padre...thank you, always. I am working on the forgetting the number. But the health, I need to do something about that...and part of that picture is finding a DR who will listen to me (I'm working on that one). Thie past few weeks have shaken me, so deeply, that I am finally unwilling to give. So new DR, pushing through my physical boundaries, trying to find some peace inside me...all part of this picture.
Post a Comment