Wednesday, June 26, 2013

My Vulnerability Hangover

Soooo, it's been ages. I have nothing but excuses, work is busy, I got sick for a little while, I am still wading through the Canadian medical system trying to find solutions, actually get to a real diagnosis about what's going on with my body and on...and on...and on.

But like I mentioned. They're excuses. 

I think underneath it all, I have been suffering from vulnerability overload. Here, at this blog, I had put all these ugly, scary thoughts, out there to the world. And while everyone had been sooooooo incredibly supportive I still had a hard time hearing the kind, supportive words. I felt like I should I be strong enough without them. Because that's who my mother and my aunts raised me to be.

I am a feminist. I choose to be strong and brave. Everyday, I push myself to be vulnerable and courageous because I KNOW those qualities need to be cultivated. I choose to support all the women who surround me. I do my best to lift others up. I also do the best I can to lift myself (the husband will attest that some days I am supremely incapable of this task, other days I'm superwoman).

So I wake up each morning and I look in the mirror and I see beauty, I see strength, I see love. 

But I also see this shrinking body. 

I live every day, proud of who I am, just the way I am - but I also live each day proud of the number on the scale that's always getting smaller.

Today I stepped on the offending friend and the number was 180 pounds. It feels silly, and I am at odds with myself in all honesty, because "Kate the Feminist" says it shouldn't matter...but I am very excited to see the number on the scale in the 170's.

I'm trying to balance the emotions I feel about all this because I know they are all valid. 

A new outfit photo will be posted soon. Be prepared for more bravery. Cheer me on?!? Cause I'm going to need it!