Farewell to the Old Me

I often feel like I am working way too hard to be optimistic because that's what people have to come to expect of me. The "former cynic" is now the uber-productive, positive, ever-efficient employee, coach, daughter....

I used to swear a mile a minute - now Richard laughs at me because I use "fudge" as an expletive rather than my former favourite.

I used to drink insane amounts of alcohol on a much too regularly basis and then make a fool of myself on the dance floor- now I have three beers a month. Maybe?! And dance?! I can't remember the last time I danced with no inhibition.

Bedtime used to be arbitrary, I was lucky if I made it near a bed by 2am - now if I'm not in bed by 10:30pm I feel anxious, I worry how I am going to be productive at work the next day, I worry if I am going to manage to get enough sleep because lord know what would happen if I didn't get eight hours of sleep a night.

My life used to be chaotic, mind-boggling to some...always off to the campus bar to meet friends for a pint, or to the library where I always managed to turn studying into happy hour...I was a social-butterfly (as my brother used to call me).

Now I am the anti-thesis of a social-butterfly.

And a part of me misses it... I know all this natural slowing-down is part in parcel the "growing-up" process, but I struggle some days with feeling like I've lost a part of me. I miss the old me, the natural social director, always ready for a good time.

I don't miss however, the hang-overs, the poor choices that always managed to make me feel even sicker than the brutal hangover. I don't miss the poor self-esteem associated with seeing my self-worth reflected in how attractive others thought I was or wasn't. I don't miss the knot in my stomach that this lifestyle left me with.

What I love about my life now is the security in knowing I have my self-esteem back, no more looking for love in all the wrong places...knowing my worth I was able to find and accept the most wonderful love of my life, without that moment of self-realization I never would have been able to accept Richard's affections willingly and lovingly. For that I am incredibly grateful...

Now I just need to work on getting over the grandma-syndrome, I don't want to be old before my time and I think that's what's worrying me right now. I know a part of all this is living in rural Ontario where the night life and the social circles are somewhat limited. But I just want to be able to swear like a normal 26 year old woman again, I want to go to bar and have a good time past 11pm, I want to have a "normal" social life...

So to start off the resolutions I am going to swear...

Damn you rural living, look what you've done to me!