My Vulnerability Hangover

Soooo, it's been ages. I have nothing but excuses, work is busy, I got sick for a little while, I am still wading through the Canadian medical system trying to find solutions, actually get to a real diagnosis about what's going on with my body and on...and on...and on.

But like I mentioned. They're excuses. 

I think underneath it all, I have been suffering from vulnerability overload. Here, at this blog, I had put all these ugly, scary thoughts, out there to the world. And while everyone had been sooooooo incredibly supportive I still had a hard time hearing the kind, supportive words. I felt like I should I be strong enough without them. Because that's who my mother and my aunts raised me to be.

I am a feminist. I choose to be strong and brave. Everyday, I push myself to be vulnerable and courageous because I KNOW those qualities need to be cultivated. I choose to support all the women who surround me. I do my best to lift others up. I also do the best I can to lift myself (the husband will attest that some days I am supremely incapable of this task, other days I'm superwoman).

So I wake up each morning and I look in the mirror and I see beauty, I see strength, I see love. 

But I also see this shrinking body. 

I live every day, proud of who I am, just the way I am - but I also live each day proud of the number on the scale that's always getting smaller.

Today I stepped on the offending friend and the number was 180 pounds. It feels silly, and I am at odds with myself in all honesty, because "Kate the Feminist" says it shouldn't matter...but I am very excited to see the number on the scale in the 170's.

I'm trying to balance the emotions I feel about all this because I know they are all valid. 

A new outfit photo will be posted soon. Be prepared for more bravery. Cheer me on?!? Cause I'm going to need it!

15 Pounds Lighter

I debated whether or not to post this picture. After it was snapped I was feeling self-conscious, I felt I looked a little dorky in the photo; truly for the accomplishment this photo was supposed to extol, my first reaction was I looked chubby and I did not want to share.

The photo lingered in the photo stream on my phone for a few days. I didn't hate it so three days later so I sent it to the friend who bought me the purse as a birthday gift. She raved...not just about the use of the purse but the whole ensemble and how happy I looked.

It's taken me a couple more days to work up the courage to post it here, because all of the initial statements - that I feel I look chubby and dorky - still hold true. But I figure that's what this whole project has been about. Putting ourselves out there, so vividly, so vulnerably, even when we're afraid we could end up mocked.

So here I am; 191 pounds, 15 pounds lighter than where I started in September, feeling like a dork, excited to be heading out to an extra-special birthday party.

...photo credit: the ever gracious husband
...dress - Suzy Shier (I know!!!!), necklace - oooold purchase from Ricki's, purse - birthday gift

Progress

December was enlightening.

I finally secured a doctor, I had my first appointment, I also had my first appointment with a naturopath. I learned I had a gluten allergy. And a dairy allergy. And I started drastically changing my life and my pantry.

We've been a month gluten and dairy free and both members of this household are feeling healthier and lighter...AND I am feeling vindicated in this whole, knowing your body, knowing and truly understanding that something bigger is wrong with you. Cause I was starting to feel like I was crazy for thinking something wasn't quite right. It's bit of a revolution in my personal psyche, that I need to manage my health care and fight to get the answers that I know aren't far from reach...if only you keep on searching, and learning and advocating for yourself.

I am astounded at how much more energy I have, my friends are thrilled that I don't fall asleep on the couch at 9:30 pm when they're over visiting. I don't wake up groggy and headachey. I feel like a human being again.

Now to tackle the joint issues. But in all honesty, without the allergy zapping all my energy and pulling me down, I'm better able to pinpoint the pain in my hips and shoulders and I imagine this will help with a diagnosis.

I've lost three pounds over the last couple of weeks alone and I am now officially down past the five pound mark. So a new picture say you?!?

I don't know if there's anything markedly different but I am officially over ten pounds down from the number that terrified me in September. And all it took was learning more about me...

...photo credit, Christy DeKoning (thanks for the patience...and making me laugh)
...cardigan, Joe Fresh - tank top, H&M, jeans, Gap (run - don't walk, buy these jeggings - comfy, real buttons and pockets, exceptionally thick, keep their shape especially well) - shoes, Nine West purchased at Luxe in Chatham, ON