The Hotness

On Monday I attended my first hot yoga class in 9 years. A couple days later and I am still trying to determine if the class was a mistake or not.

Emotional, tiring, HAWT! I spent half the class shaking in child's pose, excreting negative energy. And while I know that's likely what I needed in that moment (and also happens to be a very normal reaction to a yoga class in an emotional state of mind) I sorta feel like a university student recovering from the most ridiculous kegger, still off, wary of that beer, thinking maybe it's best to take a break, knowing you still want a another beer though, and soon.

It's Thursday and I am still trying to dissect what happened; trying to wrap my head around not being able to settle, feeling physically broken and overwhelmed.

It may sound silly, but I feel like I am recovering from an invisible wound with no instructions on what to do next. And I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this has been...

I know there's something physically; medically off with my body. Today, my body is screaming, louder than it ever has. I slept poorly, my hacking cough still lives here, EVERY joint aches, my feet are so sore I feel like I am waddling (wow, that's a sad picture). I have attempted to advocate for myself. I have challenged my doctor. I have de-rostered from my doctor. And am now left searching for some clarity on how to best move forward, trying to get medical attention somehow. Fingers crossed the doctor I am chasing calls me soon.

As for the yoga class, I've decided it was a good class. It's forced me to reflect seriously on the very real help I need.

201

My plan is to post a new outfit every five pounds lost. I promise that each one will be uniquely me.

The goal of these pictures, are partially an exploration in self-acceptance (me, trying to come to terms with the images on film); partially a pictorial celebration of women. Sooooooooooo many of us struggle with these same maniacal debates around self-worth, one day feeling perfect and beautiful, the next scarred and unlovable.

I am going to get healthy. Regardless of what I look like 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from now I hope these pictures make me feel good about who I am.

Me, 201 pounds, September 28 2012.

...photo credit goes to the husband.
...tunic - Le Chateau, tights - from Luxe in downtown Chatham, boots - an Old Navy find a couple seasons ago, necklace - a gift from a girlfriend

30 Pounds Ago

Being the product of wonderfully funny, feminist women - I made a decision - 30 pounds ago - to live a life unencumbered by weight and stereotypes. I made a decision to love myself the way I was, to wear that short skirt, that bikini proudly. 

And I did, and unreservedly, I say I rocked it. 

I have all always prided myself on being loud, confident, caring and articulate. No pre-conception of who I was supposed to be was going to hold me back. 

Nope - young man judging my fat ass, you don't get my time of day because I know I am beautiful and worthy of EVERYONE'S respect. Lovely older lady judging the length of my skirt, thinking to herself, that outfit is meant for someone slimmer. Once again, nope, not listening; cause I love me just the way I am. 

And then I saw that video and every ounce of love I had for myself vanished....(sad, but true).

Anyhow...point of today's blog post is to fill you in on the immediate next step.

I have a unique and quirky sense of style. I have curated a closet of items I love, that are form fitting, loud and very me. I have decided to document this journey through IPhone photos, the pictorial will be - me, in all my glory - wearing my favourite pieces. In posting and sharing these photos with you, I hope that I will start to see myself through a clearer lens, that I'll be able to make peace with me. 

...pic will be posted later today, maybe tomorrow morning....

A Request

Two weeks ago I stepped on my ridiculously dusty scale and stared at the number on the display slack-jawed. I had never seen a number so high in my life. I was embarrassed to admit the number to even myself so I scrambled off the scale committed to making some healthier choices, committed to not seeing that number again. The last two weeks I have been getting more water into my system, making super healthy snack choices; simply, trying to make better decisions.

I am very lucky and I know it. I live a beautiful life. I wake up every morning to a supportive and loving husband who goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful. I was raised by determined, capable women who taught me to believe that who I am inside ALWAYS matters more than how I look. Anyhow, point is, as cheesy as this is about to sound...when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror...I see someone beautiful. And for that I am grateful.

This morning I saw myself on video.

I…didn’t…recognize…the…woman…on…the…screen. I watched it a couple of times hoping that I would come to some sense of contentedness with my appearance. It never came. I stepped on the scale to see if the choices I had been making had been working and low and behold, I had lost five pounds.

But the number staring back at me was still 201.

I’m a smart woman. I know 201 pounds on my frame is unhealthy. I am 5’6”. Have always been, as my Grandfather called me at age 12, big-boned. At my healthiest, which was 13 years ago, I weighed in at approximately 150 pounds. In all honesty 150 pounds is at the high end of the healthy range of my BMI.

All my life I have struggled with energy issues, asthma, chronic bronchitis, severe joint pain – I know, that when I am fitter, stronger, limber – the severity of these issues subside. Over the last two years I have seen an incredible increase in each and every one of the problems listed above. It’s September, I caught a cold but rather than shaking it like most healthy immune systems, it turned into a severe case of bronchitis. Three weeks later I am still hacking and wheezing.

I need to do something about this. Unless it’s Trivial Pursuit, I am not competitive in nature; so seemingly insurmountable tasks – in this case – learning to lose and keep off 50 pounds – scare the bejeezus out of me. So I am reaching out to each and every one of you for help. I know journeys, like the one I am committing myself to today, require support and belief and friends willing to pick you up and put you back on your path when you stumble. I spend a ton of time in my head naturally, so solitary workouts defeat me, running alone, working out at the gym, become frightening excursions because of what I’m left to think about. So I gravitate to team sports, supportive classes, friends to buddy up with, so I am not left to the crazy inner-workings of this scatterbrained mind.

So what I am asking you for, is to be that friend that helps point me in the right direction, ask me to join you at yoga class, keep me in mind for your hiking adventure. And if anyone were ever interested in teaching the wheezing, hacking asthmatic how to love running, I’d really love to learn.

Ummm

This blog post is a little late. I was going to post a few hours after my online book club's first attempt failed miserably but I was sad and not quite sure what to say.

But whatevs, I mean I know I didn't do enough reminding, I really should have posted some check-ins to see how you were all doing with the read. And I didn't.

So soon, I will post our next three options. And we'll try again, this time with check-ins and questions along the way in the hopes of keeping all my ten blog readers engaged in the process.

Sound good!?!

Sounds good!!

Tonight's the Night

Despite being terribly sad, commenting on the book will begin at 7:00 pm sharp!

Jack Layton will be missed, his tenacity, his fierce dedication to improving the lives of ALL Canadians was unmatched on our political sphere. Canada has lost a great man, his legacy will live on.

I think I may have the start the comments tonight with a toast...

Booking Through Thursday

What’s the first book that you ever read more than once?
I am going to leap to young-adulthood, because there's no need to rehash the children's books I made my mother read over and over again. But the first book I remember reading repeatedly was Anne of Green Gables.

What book have you read the most times? And how many times?
I have read every book in the Anne of Green Gable's series multiple times. I have read Rilla of Ingleside (the last book), oh, about ten times.

What about you? What book have you read over and over and over...? Do you have a book you read once a year at approximately the same time?

I'd love to know which books never get old....