My Vulnerability Hangover

Soooo, it's been ages. I have nothing but excuses, work is busy, I got sick for a little while, I am still wading through the Canadian medical system trying to find solutions, actually get to a real diagnosis about what's going on with my body and on...and on...and on.

But like I mentioned. They're excuses. 

I think underneath it all, I have been suffering from vulnerability overload. Here, at this blog, I had put all these ugly, scary thoughts, out there to the world. And while everyone had been sooooooo incredibly supportive I still had a hard time hearing the kind, supportive words. I felt like I should I be strong enough without them. Because that's who my mother and my aunts raised me to be.

I am a feminist. I choose to be strong and brave. Everyday, I push myself to be vulnerable and courageous because I KNOW those qualities need to be cultivated. I choose to support all the women who surround me. I do my best to lift others up. I also do the best I can to lift myself (the husband will attest that some days I am supremely incapable of this task, other days I'm superwoman).

So I wake up each morning and I look in the mirror and I see beauty, I see strength, I see love. 

But I also see this shrinking body. 

I live every day, proud of who I am, just the way I am - but I also live each day proud of the number on the scale that's always getting smaller.

Today I stepped on the offending friend and the number was 180 pounds. It feels silly, and I am at odds with myself in all honesty, because "Kate the Feminist" says it shouldn't matter...but I am very excited to see the number on the scale in the 170's.

I'm trying to balance the emotions I feel about all this because I know they are all valid. 

A new outfit photo will be posted soon. Be prepared for more bravery. Cheer me on?!? Cause I'm going to need it!

15 Pounds Lighter

I debated whether or not to post this picture. After it was snapped I was feeling self-conscious, I felt I looked a little dorky in the photo; truly for the accomplishment this photo was supposed to extol, my first reaction was I looked chubby and I did not want to share.

The photo lingered in the photo stream on my phone for a few days. I didn't hate it so three days later so I sent it to the friend who bought me the purse as a birthday gift. She raved...not just about the use of the purse but the whole ensemble and how happy I looked.

It's taken me a couple more days to work up the courage to post it here, because all of the initial statements - that I feel I look chubby and dorky - still hold true. But I figure that's what this whole project has been about. Putting ourselves out there, so vividly, so vulnerably, even when we're afraid we could end up mocked.

So here I am; 191 pounds, 15 pounds lighter than where I started in September, feeling like a dork, excited to be heading out to an extra-special birthday party.

...photo credit: the ever gracious husband
...dress - Suzy Shier (I know!!!!), necklace - oooold purchase from Ricki's, purse - birthday gift

Progress

December was enlightening.

I finally secured a doctor, I had my first appointment, I also had my first appointment with a naturopath. I learned I had a gluten allergy. And a dairy allergy. And I started drastically changing my life and my pantry.

We've been a month gluten and dairy free and both members of this household are feeling healthier and lighter...AND I am feeling vindicated in this whole, knowing your body, knowing and truly understanding that something bigger is wrong with you. Cause I was starting to feel like I was crazy for thinking something wasn't quite right. It's bit of a revolution in my personal psyche, that I need to manage my health care and fight to get the answers that I know aren't far from reach...if only you keep on searching, and learning and advocating for yourself.

I am astounded at how much more energy I have, my friends are thrilled that I don't fall asleep on the couch at 9:30 pm when they're over visiting. I don't wake up groggy and headachey. I feel like a human being again.

Now to tackle the joint issues. But in all honesty, without the allergy zapping all my energy and pulling me down, I'm better able to pinpoint the pain in my hips and shoulders and I imagine this will help with a diagnosis.

I've lost three pounds over the last couple of weeks alone and I am now officially down past the five pound mark. So a new picture say you?!?

I don't know if there's anything markedly different but I am officially over ten pounds down from the number that terrified me in September. And all it took was learning more about me...

...photo credit, Christy DeKoning (thanks for the patience...and making me laugh)
...cardigan, Joe Fresh - tank top, H&M, jeans, Gap (run - don't walk, buy these jeggings - comfy, real buttons and pockets, exceptionally thick, keep their shape especially well) - shoes, Nine West purchased at Luxe in Chatham, ON

The Power of Flickr

So I thought I would hit the five pound milestone quickly, what with all my working out and eating healthy (haha)! But I haven't quite made it there. Am I really surprised? All I am really doing is making better food choices and drinking more water. But that's been the whole point all along, that I generally make good choices, so be more conscience and make even better choices and see where this takes us.

So where I am? I am three pound down and that has me under the 200 mark which I feel should be a celebration unto itself. Right?! 198 feels like a celebration to me.

And in celebrating I have been spending a bit of time searching for some gems on the Internet, gems that brighten my day and make me feel great about myself.

- this flickr set illustrates the silliness that is the BMI index, I've been periodically flipping through the images to remind myself that labels NEVER matter
- I created a Pinterest board celebrating everyone's gorgeousness
- and I happen to know, I would so rock this dress

I guess, I just want all of us to challenge the labels and stereotypes and know that we - at our most vulnerable - are enough. Writing is forcing me to reflect on the deep, dark nasties in my heart, those voices that most days I manage to ignore. I must say, this blog is helping me to do exactly what I was hoping to do, love myself better. Reading, sharing stories, sifting through body positive literature and websites is reminding me, in very visceral ways, that I AM RIGHT. Knowing who you are, filling your life with love and being kind to yourself are the best ways to keep yourself grounded and focused on what matters.

So if you do nothing else today, please, click on the link to the flickr set and prepare to be astounded by the images and remember don't let anyone else define you.

Doctor Dance

I feel like I am weaving my way through the maze on Labyrinth, I am Jennifer Connolly, outwitting the trolls, sailing through the riddles, all to find a baby that was HERS in the first place!

Aaargh!

One would think that a doctor shouldn't be that difficult to come by, but alas, such is not the case in Canada.

I de-rostered from my awful family doctor this past August. I called Health Care Connect, informed them of my first three doctor choices (who are currently taking patients) and then I got rip roaring sick. Bronchitis that turned into walking pneumonia. For weeks all I had in me was blllaaaauuughhh!

So anyhow, I get worse, I annoy the poop out my husband with all the croup-like coughing. So in an attempt to follow-up with the status of my care, really so that I could get my greedy (or simply sickly) little hands on more antibiotics, I started the tango.

One of the three doctors I had connected with Health Care Connect about confirmed they would take me on, but interestingly hadn't seen my paperwork come through yet.

So back on the phone it was with the Health Care Connect office to see if they could expedite my papers seeing I was sick right then. The kind lady was a huge help and said yes, she could give me a hand, but now I would have to wait till the doctors office requested more paperwork on potential new patients!

Are you still following me?!?!

Phew!

So what did it take to "maybe" have a doctor by the end of the year??

Lots of paperwork, multiple phone calls, harassing a kind but loving friend who had great advice into the profession and what it takes to get a new doctor in this country. And it's still three months later and I don't truly have an answer. Just a "we have your file and needs in hand and we hope to be able to get you connected to a health care professional appropriately and in a timely fashion".

So I have done the only sane thing a reasonable person in my situation would do. I have booked an appointment with a naturopathic doctor. The appointment is December 20, because that's how far out she's booking.

My gut tells me...I will not have heard anything from a medical doctor before then.

It's Been A Couple of Weeks....

I have lost a total of one pound.

We went on vacation in that time so I am - in many ways - quite pleased with the accomplishment of not gaining more weight, cause well, I am super duper skilled at that. I swear I gain weight by looking at a coffee, a carrot, a carrot cake. I doesn't seem to matter, if it's food, it add its few calories to my hips.

So no more waiting for five pounds to post new pictures, pictures get posted when and where I have an awesome outfit on, and a picture gets snapped that captures the essence of why I rocked that!

A few girlfriends and I attended a charity fashion show this past Friday. We got ready at my place with pink champagne, I pulled out the pink tights, we all looked smashing.

Photo credit: Crescendo Media.
My outfit credit: dress - Banana Republic, belt - Steve Madden, tights - Betsey Johnson, necklace - Sonya Roe

**thank you lovely ladies for a great night!

Not Quite Me

Every couple of years I imagine blond hair will change my perspective on life; that in an instant I will be more fun, more lively, more spontaneous. And the strange thing is, immediately following the drastic change, I do feel extra special. The reaction of friends, the perfect glance in the mirror, the glossy finish on the newly minted do trick me into believing the colour of my hair matters somewhere, to someone.

But it doesn't matter, and it's not me.

So eventually I always return to myself and stop hiding behind the borrowed blond shroud. And it always feels like a homecoming, which let's be honest, is one of the best feelings we ever have.